#maybe because everybody around me is transphobic aka they all want me dead

[jaylynx1412]

lunar new year holiday ending

school tomorrow

[queenchrysalisrps]

[ooc] Ranting

That shit’s below the read more because I am a fucked up individual who is maybe a little bit tipsy and tired and depressed simultaneously.

my life’s shit, i’m stupidly jealous, and nobody cares, a rantpost. read more if you want i fucking guess you already clicked the link at this point and it’s all about me being a whiny bitch who nobody cares about

positive: ordered herbal testosterone blockers and estrogen boosters because the training we were supposed to get navy-wide on transitioning in the military had a due date of January 31st and it’s now almost a month later and we haven’t gotten it

here’s hoping i don’t get in trouble for that haha (spoilers: at this point I DON’T give a SHIT because if I didn’t start this then I’d probably fall even further down the apathy barrier and fail out of the nuclear programme, which is the only reason I’d like to be in the military at this point aside from staying away from moving back home)

trump is a shit as fuck president, rapist, dumbass, rascist, misogynist, transphobic, and basically using the american flag as toilet paper with his in-office state

there’s a handful of people I have mutual care for/about: -Lara’s my go to most days, best princess -Button’s a cute switch, but if I vanished I doubt she’d realize it -Amburro’s around sporadically these days -Chel has her own problems -i’m not sure how I feel about paul but he’s kind of precious -Audjob plays with other people a lot, acknowledges my existence but that comes close to -it- -and lauralai just came out from the abyss, went “i really like you and spending time with you, you’re kind of awesome” only to kind of do her own thing with other people instead

i’m quiet as fuck, nobody notices me, the only thing i’m particularly good at aside from being smart at this point is lying through my teeth unless i’m not serious about it at all

i’ve been trying to get a car for about a month and it’s finally about to happen con: another 6,000$ loan, around 200$/mo even through usaa for insurance

i’m moving into a co-worker’s apartment to set up a better way of getting to work since i have a habit of sleeping 4 hours a night during the work week; also 12 hour workdays of rotating shiftwork are literally satan

i feel unwanted by basically everybody, the people who aren’t straight-up apathetic prioritize other people way before they even think about me, i’m like a footnote cute girl

i never got below a 3.0 on a test before i joined the navy, now at least i know what it takes to be a genius (answer: complete social ineptitude)

i prioritize dumb shit, my life’s a mess, the navy is garbage, and the best thing that’s happened at all in my life so far is meeting a cute canadian girl

i went from public school in 5th grade to christian school the next, then back to public for 12th, then into the navy instead of staying home and going to college because i couldn’t take my parents at that point: which led to, because of the church’s doctrine, self-isolation as well as social isolation (aka different schools) from my gradeschool friends, who were awesome.

I miss Jennette, Molly, Aislinn, Maegan, Fernando, Miles, Langston, and the friends-of-friends situations I got into with them because those friends of friends were also fan fucking tastic. I miss the friends I made in 12th grade too, which basically includes the whole goddamn class because the school was bigger than the situation of “haha i’m the only one in the high school (11th grade)” by a margin of 40-50, + everyone was so great and it felt wonderful after transitioning from christian school to be around sane people again

nothing against christians, but sports and bible aren’t the only things that exist and if those are your main focuses in life you end up prty goddamn dumb and sheltered and overall a shitty human being from my experience

i’ve never cut myself but I sure have held objects that could close to my skin and thought about it

but then again

that’s probably why i’m completely starved for attention

sic: quiet; add: nerdy, kinky

i’m glad to be one person’s priority

i’m glad to feel wanted, at least in that respect

and it’s not like i outright burned bridges, i just let them fall apart

is that 6 year period to mean nothing in my life?

the things I learned since: transgender was what defined the odd feelings i had had for many more, following a religion is a lazy excuse for not trying to think about things too much (aka if the christian god were real i’d side with satan because that dude’s insane), i’d really like to write things but given success rates of authors it’s probably best to have a safety net, drugs will get you high, i am not a lightweight in terms of alcohol but 151 is some GOOD SHIT, i’m not emotionally dead but i have enough walls that the inside of my head is probably a hedge maze

if i do get discharged early, i’m just going to hit up my dad’s work through him and renovate my parent’s basement if they actually accept my “deviant” behavior.

if i don’t, then I’ll finish my 8 year contract- and yeah it’s definitely 8 years because even if electricians get the shittiest bonus that’s still 2 years for automatic advancement in rate that’s impossible to get off of just the test until you’ve got a year or so in the fleet; if I like it enough I might go reserves. regardless I’ll finish up the engineering degree and apply to civilian power plants and electrician companies, whatever it takes to live in washington because then I can make good pay and be happily close to princess, making enough $$ to save and retire soon after, staying fit and pretty and focusing on writing things from the world that’s been building in my mind’s eye for 5+ years now

i needed to write this down and it’s still not everything but it’s most of it

to include, “not everything” is largely “I don’t feel satisfied with the content of this post but it’s already so long” this is probably just going to be a summary of later posts on how fucked up my life has been from a personal standpoint

not to say that it’s the worst or anything like that

but it’s definitely not the best

i’m socially stupid/awkward and friends I’ve made in this program seem to keep being either in different spots than I am or being removed for various issues

also sorry not sorry for my first post on this blog in forever being complaints for far too long; that’s another thing i’m shitty at, because there are so many good muns out there that i practically abandoned talking to